How the Harry Potter Series REALLY Ends
by Kadasa-Mori
Summary: A collection of one shots on how the end of days really occurs. Warning, there will be extreme insanity ahead. If you are affected by bouts of giggling fits, you may want a pillow handy in case you fall off your chair.
1. On guard!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any Harry Potter characters, Harry Potter places, Harry Potter ideals or Harry Potter plots. I do own everything that I didn't mention above… except your cat… or dog... wOOt.

**Summary:** A collection of one shots on how the end of days really occurs.

**Warning:** There will be extreme insanity ahead. If you are affected by bouts of giggling fits, you may want a pillow handy in case you fall off your chair.

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**How the Harry Potter Series _Really_ Ends**

**By: Kadasa Mori**

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**--- Chapter One: On guard! ---  
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Harry Potter, predicted savior of the wizarding word, the Boy-Who-Lived-and-Keeps-On-Living-Despite-What-The-Dark-Lord-Throws-At-Him, sighed heavily and announced to the room, "I'm bored…"

Ron sighed. "I'm bored too."

"Me three." Hermione sounded, staring at the ceiling.

"Me forty-million-gajillion." They all blinked and turned to Ginny in confusion. She shrugged. "I'm bored."

They were currently all lounging in the Weasley's living room. It was Christmas break and they'd decided that staying at Hogwarts with less students and Malfoy around every corner wasn't the smartest thing to do. So it was to the Weasley's… of course… they couldn't go outside 24-7… and the rest of the Weasleys were at an Order meeting… so they were by themselves with nothing to do. Not the greatest thing for four bored teenagers.

"I got the greatest idea!" Ron cried, leaping to his feet.

Harry yelped and fell off his couch onto his face. Ginny raised her head off the arm rest then lay back down, Hermione lounging in a recliner on the other side of the room. "My mose murts…" Harry mumbled into the carpet.

"I'm sure it does," Ginny replied.

"Here!" Ron came back holding two long parcels. He pulled one out revealing a sharp fencing sword. "Come on! Let's fence! My brothers just taught me a few months ago!"

Harry frowned. "But I don't know how…"

"Well… I'll teach you. Come on!"

Harry sighed and got to his feet, taking the other one and glancing at Ron. "Aren't we supposed to have gear on to protect ourselves?"

"Bah. We'll be fine. "All right, the basic idea is to block the opponent's attack. Got it?"

Harry blinked. Hermione rolled her eyes. "Ron. Can't you explain any better than that?"

"Nope! Come on Harry!"

Harry sighed. "All right."

"Ginny. Count to three."

"One… two… two and a half… two and three quarters… two and four fifths… two and six sevenths… two and-"

"Ginny!"

"Fine. Three."

Ron lunged forward. Harry yelped and dodged out of the way, Ron missing entirely. The next swing, Harry blocked, the metal ringing across the room. Harry grinned wickedly at Ron who grinned back, both going into boy mode and quickly slashing at each other, but always careful not to take off a few fingers.

"On guard!" Ron shouted, smacking the sword against Harry's.

Harry jumped away then glanced at Ginny and winked, the girl flushing. "Oh!" he cried out in mock pain. "Woe is me! I've fallen!" Hermione and Ginny laughed, Ron rolling his eyes but grinning nonetheless.

Harry lifted his arm slightly to jab the sword between it and his body, to make it look like he was dead only to hear a grunt of pain and a gasp. He released the sword and turned, finding Voldemort with the sword sticking out of chest. The Dark Lord's eyes rolled back into his head and he fell, dead on the ground.

Harry and his companions blinked several times. Ron scratched his cheek. Ginny swatted at a stray hair. Hermione cocked her head. Harry nudged the dead Dark Lord's side with his foot.

When he received no reaction he sighed. "Well… that was stupid."

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**Author's Note:** … I did warn you it'd be stupid. Review please!

Let me know how insane you think I am. Please rate on a scale of 1-10, 1 being not insane and 10 being totally-out-of-her-mind, needs-to-get-a-padded-room insane.

Thanks and have a wonderfully _not-pierced-by-a-sharp-sword-and-dying_ day!

**Kadasa Mori**


	2. Those Muggle Contraptions

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any Harry Potter characters, Harry Potter places, Harry Potter ideals or Harry Potter plots. I do own everything that I didn't mention above… except your cat… or dog... wOOt.

**Summary:** A collection of one shots on how the end of days really occurs.

**Warning:** There will be extreme insanity ahead. If you are affected by bouts of giggling fits, you may want a pillow handy in case you fall off your chair.

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**How the Harry Potter Series _Really_ Ends**

**By: Kadasa Mori**

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**--- Chapter Two: Those Muggle Contraptions ---  
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The Dark Lord, the fear of all wizard kind, was presently rubbing his pale white temples, groaning in annoyance. "Merlin good help is so hard to find these days…"

The death eater in front of him, assigned to leading the way in case any aurors popped up was talking a mile a minute. Voldemort had crucio'd him several times already but the talking never stopped. It just seemed to get worse. He'd debated whether or not he should kill the poor soul and rid the world of this unnecessary evil… but it was getting harder to find volunteer work…

Sighing again, he pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a migraine coming on.

"And so Bellatrix wanted to torture the poor lad so she starting using cutting curses which only made his screaming louder and I got even more of a headache. Did you know that headaches could cause your stomach to hurt as well? Maybe that's why I didn't feel so good afterwards. Or maybe it was because of all the blood. I mean come on. Ew. Gross. There's germs in blood. It's all disgusting and gross. Maybe that's why Bellatrix likes seeing blood. I mean, no offense my lord but she hasn't really had a shower in while and she's starting to smell. Oh Merlin! Do you think she bathes in _blood_?! Maybe that's why she smells!"

Voldemort had the urge to whimper as they traveled into Muggle London. It was about three in morning so there was no one on the streets. The death eater continued talking and Voldemort tried to block it out with all manners of pain directed at the stupid creature but it wouldn't stop.

"And _then_ she gives him to Greyback who decides to _gnaw_ on the boy's head! I mean honestly! There's other more hygienically ways to torture someone!"

He finally transfigured a pair of ear muffs and grinned as it blocked out all sound. He had a slight skip in his step as they ignored the red symbol lighting up on the opposite side of the white stripey area of ground. But with the ear muffs blocking all noise, he didn't hear _it_ coming.

He _did_ happen to notice when he was suddenly engulfed in light.

Voldemort frowned. "What's that?" He turned only to find a glowing monstrosity headed towards him. The last thought that ran through his head was

_DDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!_

"Woo hoo!!!" Harry Potter shouted, driving the car and jerking the wheel again, petal to the ground. "Fast!"

Glued to the seat (because he was one of the only wizards Dumbledore knew and trusted well enough to teach Harry how to drive) was Severus Snape, as pale as snow, trembling, eyes wide. "I'm gonna die!" he shrieked as Harry spun the car, doing a doughnut before he got back onto the road.

The car skidded around the corner, leaving behind the remains of the Dark Lord, which promptly caught on fire then scattered in the wind.

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.--- A few hours later, no where near the scene of the hit and run ---

"And I think Malfoy bleaches his hair. I mean no one can have hair _that_ blond right?" He blinked. "My lord?" the deatheater asked when he realized there was no dark presence behind him. Blinking again, he shrugged then turned, heading back towards home.

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**Author's Note:** For some reason, the mental image of Voldemort, standing in the middle of the street screaming "DOOOOM!" as a car raced towards him was incredibly funny… or maybe it was because I'm on a sugar high…

(_shrugs_) Ah well. Happy Easter everyone!

**Kadasa Mori**


	3. Protection Against Evil

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any Harry Potter characters, Harry Potter places, Harry Potter ideals or Harry Potter plots. I do own everything that I didn't mention above… except your cat… or dog... wOOt.

**Summary:** A collection of one shots on how the end of days really occurs.

**Warning:** There will be extreme insanity ahead. If you are affected by bouts of giggling fits, you may want a pillow handy in case you fall off your chair  
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**How the Harry Potter Series **_**Really**_** Ends**

**By: Kadasa Mori**

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**---Chapter Three: Protection Against Evil** ---  
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Clutching his weapon dangling from his neck, Harry Potter stood overlooking the Death Eater camp. He took a deep breath and raced forward.

He was ready! He'd trained his entire life for this! He quickly took out the sleeping Death Eaters and lookouts. He made his way towards the main area and stepped into the clearing. He jumped as gates slammed shut behind him.

Clapping sounded and he spun quickly. "Bravo Harry." Voldemort grinned, lowering his hands. "Bravo."

"Voldemort!" Harry hissed. "Tonight you die!"

"I wouldn't be so sure dear Harry," Voldemort hissed back, waving a hand.

Several Death Eaters raced towards Harry but they were quickly disposed of. Harry raced for Voldemort who pulled out his wand. Harry reached towards his secret weapon, a golden medallion used by Egyptians to guard themselves against ancient curses. He snapped it off the chain and held it tightly, whispering a silent prayer.

"Guah!!!" Harry pitched the medallion forward. It sailed through the air and hit the Dark Lord in the middle of the forehead. The pale skinned snake let out a shriek worthy of any banshee before his eyes rolled back into his noseless head and he fell backwards, spazzing on the ground.

After a few minutes, the spazzing stopped. Harry blinked several times before he grabbed his medallion. The body burst into dust and floated away. He blinked once more before grinning and turning, twirling the necklace around his finger and whistling tunelessly as he headed into glory.

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**Author's Note**: Okay, anyone who hasn't ridden "Revenge of the Mummy" at Universal Studios, Orlando, won't get this so I'll explain. While you're waiting in line (and waiting and waiting and waiting) there this film on the T.V. they made for the ride. It has all the actors and the entire time, the director and guy from George of the Jungle whose name escapes me at the moment, steal the Assistant Producer's assistant's medallion the natives gave them to keep them safe from the mummies. My sisters and I each bought one cos they're cool. But ours are silver. Silver's better than gold anyway.

Anyway, that's the medallion Harry has. And today I was wearing mine and I was like, hey what if Harry just threw this at Voldemort and Voldemort just kinda seized or something. And that thought produced this chappie…

I am insane and within reach of about a liter of caffeinated iced tea… wicked.

**Kadasa Mori **


	4. Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any Harry Potter characters, Harry Potter places, Harry Potter ideals or Harry Potter plots. I do own everything that I didn't mention above… except your cat… or dog... wOOt.

**Summary:** A collection of one shots on how the end of days really occurs.

**Warning:** There will be extreme insanity ahead. If you are affected by bouts of giggling fits, you may want a pillow handy in case you fall off your chair.

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**How the Harry Potter Series **_**Really**_** Ends**

**By: Kadasa Mori**

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**--- Chapter Four: Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head --- **

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Standing in front of his lifetime nemesis, Harry Potter's frown deepened as it began raining. _Just like in all the movies. The final battle always ends in the rain. The Matrix. The Lord of the Rings 2. Uh… other movies…_

Voldemort suddenly let out a hideous shriek. He quickly transfigured an umbrella, holding it over his head.

Harry blinked. "What the…"

He spotted a bit of Voldemort's arm looking runny. He transfigured a nearby rock into a hose and pulled the trigger. Voldemort shrieked even louder as it hit his arm. Harry released the trigger, watching as half of his arm began to melt like wax.

Grinning wickedly, the dark haired hero quickly pulled the trigger, then released it. Voldemort shrieked quickly.

_Pull._

"AH!"

_Pull._

"AH!"

_Pull._

"AH!"

_Pull._

"AH!"

_Pull._

"AH!"

_Pull._

"AH!"

_Pull._

"AH!"

_Pull._

"AH!"

_Pull. Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold. _

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_Pull_.

"AH!"

By now, both of Voldemort's arms were melted off, the umbrella falling to the ground. He began shrieking again. "I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………….."

Harry raised an eyebrow as all that was left was a robe, a wand and a discarded Powerpuff Girls umbrella. Grinning widely, he held out his arms, letting the rain fall on him.

_Just like the movies, the good guys always win._

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**Author's Note**: … I have no comment… Other than "I'm melting!" comes from the Wizard of Oz.

… yup… that's it… O.o what is wrong with me?

**Kadasa Mori **


	5. Dude, Where’s My Rope?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any Harry Potter characters, Harry Potter places, Harry Potter ideals or Harry Potter plots. I do own everything that I didn't mention above… except your cat… or dog... wOOt.

**Summary:** A collection of one shots on how the end of days really occurs.

**Warning:** There will be extreme insanity ahead. If you are affected by bouts of giggling fits, you may want a pillow handy in case you fall off your chair.

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**How the Harry Potter Series **_**Really**_** Ends **

**By: Kadasa Mori**

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**-- Chapter Five: Dude, Where's My Rope? --**

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Voldemort was not happy.

Not only was he bored, but Dumbledore's little group hadn't tried to attack them lately, leaving less victims for him to terrorize. And to make matters worse, they'd run out of flour!! Now he couldn't enjoy the cookies Bellatrix made for him.

He pouted, sitting on his throne watching his Death Eaters mingle. "Malfoy!"

The blond instantly appeared beside him. "Yes my lord?"

"I need a vacation. Find me something fun to do."

Malfoy bowed deeply. "Yes my lord." He spun on his heel, disappearing as he did.

Voldemort grinned to himself. Vacation… he'd never had one of those…

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"Severus!" The Potions master turned from his bubbling concoction and found the elder Malfoy strutting up to him. "_HE_ has asked me to find him a vacation spot."

Snape raised an eyebrow coolly, waiting for the rest but Malfoy merely held his chin high with a smug smirk. "… wonderful for you?"

Malfoy scowled. "I need to find him a place to vacation. Where might I locate books to do such?"

Snape rolled his eyes. "I'm sure Bellatrix has some."

"Ah! Why didn't I think of that?!" He turned and hurried off,

Snape turned back to his potion only to have it blow up in his face, scattering neon green goo everywhere. He blinked in surprise then sighed heavily.

"Professor? I was just…" He turned and found the younger Malfoy standing there. Draco blinked then burst into hysterical laughter.

Snape sighed again. _I _hate_ Malfoys…_

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"My lord!" Voldemort turned as Malfoy returned and grinned widely.

"Have you found a vacation spot for me yet?"

"I did! There's Hawaii for some scuba diving or France for skiing or-"

"No! I want something… adventurous! Something new!"

"How about bungee jumping?"

"Bungee jumping?"

"Yes. You jump off a cliff and bounce back up due to some rope thing."

"Ah. Yes… this bungee jumping sounds good. Find me a place!"

"Yes my lord!"

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Voldemort walked up to a teenager sitting in a small building reading a magazine at the edge of a very tall cliff. "I require bungee jumping!" he cried, hands on his hips.

The boy looked up dully then back at his magazine. "Ten dollars." He handed over the money. "Thanks. Stuffs over there." He pointed in a vague direction.

Voldemort walked over to the edge and peered over. "Erm…" He stepped back. "It's… very high…"

"You can do it my lord!" Bellatrix cried. "You're the greatest dark wizard in the world! You can conquer this!!"

Voldemort nodded. "I can do it! I will conquer it!!" He ran for the edge, flinging himself from the edge. "BUNZAIIIIIII!" He flapped his arms for the mere seconds he floated in air before dropping out of sight.

Malfoy and Bellatrix grinned at each other, happy their Lord was finally enjoying himself.

"Hey… where's that guy's rope?" the teenager asked, motioning to the attachment the rope was supposed to be tied to.

The two blinked then peered over the edge in time to wince as their Lord met the bottom of the canyon. "Um... my lord?" Malfoy called over the edge. "You forgot the rope!"

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Harry whistled, walking off and swinging the bungee jumping rope from his hand.

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**Author's Note**: I would seriously never go bungee jumping… maybe… But the insane picture of Voldemort flinging himself from the cliff just couldn't help but be written.

TT.TT I weep… it's been so long since I updated this! Sorry Voldie!! Don't worry! Hopefully I'll start updating your misery more often XDD

**Kadasa Mori**

P.s. Sorry for the "v" divisions. The chapter upload thingy didn't like dots today...


	6. Gag Me with Smelly Stuff

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any Harry Potter characters, Harry Potter places, Harry Potter ideals or Harry Potter plots. I do own everything that I didn't mention above… except your cat… or dog... wOOt.

I also own "_berry fruit passion mango pineapple strawberry raspberry banana vanilla cookie dough pumpkin pie mint pine tree"_ scented stuffs.

**Summary:** A collection of one shots on how the end of days really occurs.

**Warning:** There will be extreme insanity ahead. If you are affected by bouts of giggling fits, you may want a pillow handy in case you fall off your chair.

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**How the Harry Potter Series **_**Really**_** Ends **

**By: Kadasa Mori**

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**-- Chapter Six – Gag Me with Smelly Stuff --**

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Following a new rumor that Harry Potter was out shopping, Voldemort and his twelve most trusted Death Eaters marched into JCPenny's. They immediately stopped, eyes floating from the brightly colored bathing suits to sparkling prom dresses.

"What is this place?" Bellatrix asked, eyes wide in amazement.

"This is a muggle clothing store," Snape announced dully.

"It's so pretty."

"Wow. Look at this!"

"And this!"

"It's half off!"

"These are some great summer sales!"

"I'm sure my girls would love this!"

"Draco would love this!"

Voldemort frowned as his Death Eaters began spreading out to look at things. On one hand, they were going insane over clothing, but on the other hand they were spreading out, which gave him an advantage over Potter… if he were actually in the store.

Scowling, he sat where he stood, sneering at those who sent him dirty looks and walked around him. Forty-five minutes later his Death Eaters had floated back, all looking nervous at having left their lord. "Are you all quite finished?" he sneered. There was a murmured 'yes' among the crowd that now held bags of clothing. "Good. If Potter is not in here, then perhaps we should travel through the rest of this rather large establishment and find him."

As they exited the store and headed out into the mall, all eyes widened in amazement again. The group had to stop at nearly every store when someone raced in to buy the newest album or a bottle of lotion or a few books. Eventually they stopped at the food court as well and had lunch, ignoring all of the odd looks the muggles were giving them.

By the end of the day, having not spotted a green eyed Hogwarts student, they trudged back towards JCPenny's, all chattering about their day. Voldemort paused as he spotted a cart up ahead, a young woman with vibrant red hair offering something to passersby. If he squinted… she could by Ginny Weasley! He hurried up and grabbed her shoulder, spinning her around.

"Weasley! Where is Potter?"

The saleswoman blinked then grinned widely. "Here!" she cried, holding up the perfume bottle in her hand. "Try our new _berry fruit passion mango pineapple strawberry raspberry banana vanilla cookie dough pumpkin pie mint_ _pine tree _scent!" She sprayed it and Voldemort's eye twitched as the cloud of scented stickiness floated towards him and up his nostrils.

He let out a cry of agony, gagging and clutching at his throat. Malfoy and the other Death Eaters merely watched in confusion as their leader twirled in circles, choking and grasping at the air before he sunk to his knees and fell face first onto the ground.

"My lord?" Malfoy asked, poking his arm. "Are you all right?"

Voldemort spazzed, everyone jumping back and readying themselves to be crucio'ed.

Nothing happened.

"Oh deary me," the saleswoman stated sadly. "He must not have liked it."

"Hey look!" Avery cried loudly, pointing to a store. "Shiny stuff!"

Everyone raced into the store, the saleswoman turning to offer the spray to other customers and Voldemort lay on the ground.

Harry Potter and his friends walked by an hour later, the mall emptied of all people, and found him lying there, no one else in sight.

"Izzat Vol'mort?" Ron asked around an ice cream.

"Looks like," Hermione muttered.

Harry rolled him over with his foot. "Yup." He turned to the saleswoman and smiled. "Thank you ma'am."

She grinned and tapped her head with her wand, Ginny transforming. "You're welcome Harry. Thanks to you I made a good 120 pounds today."

"And killed Voldemort."

"And that."

"Power the dark lord knows not," Hermione smirked, taking Ron's ice cream and ignoring his complaints.

"More like powerful smell the dark lord knows not," Ginny announced, hooking her arm through Harry's. "Now about our deal…"

"Yes Ginny." He rolled his eyes. "I will now buy you ice cream."

And so they walked away, into the sunset, leaving Voldemort there for the real saleswoman to find tomorrow.

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**Author's Note**: Try our new "_berry fruit passion mango pineapple strawberry raspberry banana vanilla cookie dough pumpkin pie mint pine tree"_ scent! It's delicious!!

Seriously though. What it is with new scents and weird names? I saw one today that was like Fresh Green Tea Leaves scent or something random. And I just bought a "Raspberry mint" lipgloss, which don't get me wrong, is awesome, but seriously. Raspberry and Mint? Not two flavors one assumes go well with one another.

So yes. Voldemort dies. Death by long-named weird-scented perfume in a bottle because Ginny Weasley wanted ice cream… so do I now that I think of it…

(_wanders off to get ice cream_)

**Kadasa Mori **


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